“I didn’t know you could do that”

That’s one of the most common responses from people learning that I gave birth to my son with only my partner and daughter present: no medics, midwives or doulas. Then they ask who cut the cord and how we knew what to do.

We didn’t set out to free birth. Our intention was to be at home and avoid a medical pathway of interventions that can so often lead to a traumatic birth – absolutely – but I wasn’t seeking to go full renegade. 

From our initial intention of a calm and natural birth we learnt that it’s an option to birth without someone telling me what to do and this led to a knowing, deep within our bones, that women know how to birth their babies and that I am the only authority when it comes to birthing my baby. 

This resonated DEEPLY with the knowing that I am the only true authority on my life – just as you are the only one on yours. I have doubted this often – I have sought experts to tell me how to live, work, love better. I’ve worked with more coaches, teachers and therapists than I can remember, hoping to learn how to get life right! They have helped in various ways but no outside expert can replace your own knowing: the wisdom deep within you. The very best experts help you discover and listen to that inner knowing and empower you to take action on it. They share their knowledge without expectation. 

If you’ve worked with me I’ve probably asked you to listen to what your body wants to say on a topic in coaching. This isn’t always easy at first as typically we are disconnected from our bodies. Our bodies hold so much wisdom, energy and information that can guide us in life and we have, over time, cut ourselves off from this. That’s why a key tool I teach is to get you back in connection with your body and the knowing that it holds for you. There is no greater source of wisdom than the knowing within your own body. Trust your gut!   

We worked with amazing doulas during our preparation and they were incredible coaches. They had experience and information on the process (the workings of the female body, the baby, the role of hormones etc) but it was the way they brought me back to myself and my capacity that really empowered me. They reminded me time and again that listening to, and trusting my body, was all I really needed.

Leaning on the experience of those who had done it before gave us further confidence that it is possible. Seeing the success of others enhances the belief that I can have what I want. Does this ring true for you? When someone succeeds at what you want do you let it be an example that reinforces your belief that it is possible? Or do you let it deflate you in some way? 

Integral to the success of my son’s birth was my support team. My partner having the vision and belief beforehand was crucial and then on the day he was my witness, my protector, my strength to stand when mine had gone and of course, cord cutter. Feeling safe is crucial and he did this physically and emotionally. His calm strength and trust in me allowed me to follow the cues and bring forth the baby. 

My daughter’s role was to create the beauty of the space (she made the room a ceremonial space with art and candles and soft fabrics), to soothe and calm me, remind me how loved I am, remind me why this matters and to cheer me on – also to fetch things when I asked and sit very still when I asked. She did it beautifully and her being part of it all is something I’ll always treasure, and her little brother will have an unconscious knowing of how deeply loved and wanted he was and always will be. 

My role was to get in the right mind-set, physical position and state of relaxed alertness to allow the process to happen (because this process, like any natural bodily function, will happen organically given the right conditions). My role was to trust myself entirely and allow those around me to trust me entirely (they found this easier than I did). My role was to deeply listen to my body’s every utterance and be present to it. It simply meant watch, listen, trust and ride the waves of sensation and only then to interpret that into the right next action. 

The biggest challenge was removing fear. Fear would cause me to become tense, slow down my body’s process and to doubt its cues. There is a lot to fear in childbirth so we had to address fears one by one as they arose in the run up. Each worry was replaced with knowledge of how it could turn out well and what I could do about it (as ever the answer was stay relaxed, in the right position and trust my intuition). 

The moment I noticed the word pain enter my head I knew it would send me down an unhelpful pathway of thinking. I would reframe it as a “strong sensation” and return to witnessing and being with my felt experience, then using my breath and voice to ride the sensation. 

As the birth progressed and the sensations got more intense I reminded myself that it meant my baby was getting closer. Mindset and breath tools to stay calm were EVERYTHING at this point. 

Was it painful? Hell yes but I knew that if I went into the story of pain, I’d go into the story of fear and neither would help me. So for me the reframe was crucial – as was staying calm, trusting my body and leaning on my support crew. 

As I reflect on this, it doesn’t even seem like a big deal now, now it’s done and my baby is here and my life has moved on! However I am deeply proud of doing this for my boy, myself and my body. 

I specifically wanted to share it here because it’s such a vivid example of doing something that at first seems way out of reach but how once you take each little step it can happen with relative ease – even if it’s intense and maybe even a teeny bit painful!

Here’s what I learned:

Mindset is power. You can reframe anything. Words matter. I didn’t let the word pain stay in my head. If I thought “this is painful” it led down a fearful road of thinking ending in “I can’t do this” Each time I noticed the word pain in my thoughts I returned my attention to the sensation in the moment and became even more mindful of exactly what I was experiencing. 

Talk to the right people only. Don’t engage with those who are focused on fear and a restricted idea of safety. Everytime we engaged with people who did believe in our vision, our confidence and knowing increased. We didn’t tell our parents or friends what we were planning. It wasn’t worth worrying them and it wasn’t helpful to have to justify our choice – it only led to fear based thinking creeping in. 

Listen to and address valid questions. There’s a difference between having a goal and then just wishing and hoping it comes true without taking the steps or doing the research needed. This is different to being held back by fears. If there’s a valid concern about how you will achieve something figure ways to over come it. We had many valid concerns that turned to questions that we found answers today. Everything is figure-out-able. 

Other people’s opinions don’t matter before, during or after. They don’t need to “get it”. I have friends who don’t and won’t understand what I did and that’s ok. We get to keep loving each other as friends even if we make different choices in life. 

Prepare for success but let go of the details. In this case we knew we wanted a natural, calm and pleasurable birth. Exactly how it would look wasn’t actually my business. My job was mindset, focus and expressing/acting on my intuition. How it unfolded wasn’t mine to control, I was actually just one player in this. The same is true in whatever you want to create in life, in your career in your relationships. You get to set the intention and get into the right mindset and take the guided action but you don’t get to control the details. 

The female body is incredible. I’m in awe of my own body, how I grew him, birthed him and recovered. I wish more people trusted their bodies the way I have been empowered to trust mine.

The feminine needs the masculine to fully shine. I was in the most feminine role of bringing forth life, at my most powerful and most vulnerable and I could not do it without the masculine. I could not do it without being witness by such steady stillness, being protected, being held. Whilst it may have looked from the outside like my partner was doing very little he was intensely present to me and I knew it which made me feel completely safe to be exactly how I needed to be. He said afterwards that it’s the most man he’s ever felt.

We each have access to masculine and feminine energy in us and we need both to bring new things to life be they babies or businesses.