The Confidence Formula

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to 'just be confident people' and others don't. Confident people have learned the formula for confidence and apply across their lives until it looks like it is part of the definition of who they are. You can learn the formula and apply it to your life too.

Confidence and anxiety follow the same formula: your belief in your capacity to meet a challenge + the size of the challenge = your confidence or anxiety level.

If you believe your capacity meets the challenge you'll feel confident. If you believe you don't have the capacity you'll feel anxious. Simple right.

This is why when the scale of the challenge is unknown it's easy for anxiety to take hold as the imagination fills in the blanks of what 'could happen'.

In our current culture, bombarded with messages about how our lives, bodies and homes 'should' look it's very easy to believe ourselves incapable of meeting that challenge. And so social media can leave you feeling rubbish about yourself.

Other than the unrealistic expectations that might be sold to us online or on TV, here's where we trip ourselves up when it comes to feeling confident about something we specifically want to go well.

If you feel anxious more often than confidence it could be that you:

• Inflate the size of the challenge with worst case scenario thinking or what ifs.

• Don't give yourself enough credit for your current skills.

• Don't give yourself permission to figure things out (believe it has to be perfect now) and learn new skills.

• Think you have to do everything yourself and so don't ask for or receive support.

When you engage in these patterns it can be paralysing and overwhelming as the fear that you can't meet that challenge is understandably high!

Confident people have learned the formula for confidence and apply it across their lives until it looks like it is part of the definition of who they are. In truth we were all born knowing the formula but we unlearnt it along the way as people/life taught us we weren't good enough. The good news is you can unlearn that lie and relearn the confidence formula and apply to your life too.

Is there something you would like to feel more confident about? It could be an upcoming meeting, a house move, social event. You can take the following steps to enable your belief in your capacity to match the size of the challenge.

You'll notice I said belief in your capacity. This is because you're not necessarily going to change your current capability you are going to get real about it, be factual and in doing so you'll see how capable you already are and what support you need for any skills or information gaps.

Go through the following list and write down facts only - no opinion or speculation. The inner critic, which is trying to keep you safe will have you hide from challenge (flight or freeze) rather than try and risk failing. However the inner critic gets very quiet in the face of facts. SO, you are going to look at the confidence formula for this specific challenge based on facts only.

• What is the challenge. List out what is actually required to meet the challenge in facts. Such as, reply to invite, book meeting room, write agenda, send agenda. etc. As you do so notice any stories that come up. Language like 'it's a nightmare', 'I'm not X type of person', projecting what other people will think, day dreaming about it going wrong. Return to making the challenge the right size based on on facts.

• Now list out all the times you've done something silmilar to the facts of the challenge. Times you've replied to an invite, booked a room, written an agenda etc.

• Next list out what went well on those previous occasions. Notice any stories that come up again and return to facts. Such as the meeting happened, the project moved forward. This isn't about things having been perfect, it's about isolating the facts about what did go well (or at least not terribly if that is a win in the context).

• List out what you did well. Specific actions and skills that you did. It could be that you got there on time, spoke to someone new, thought a good idea (even if you didn't say it), raised your hand, helped someone. wrote well, organised, were creative, ANYTHING and everything you did well, especially the stuff you take for granted.

• What did you figure out or learn that you didn't previously know.

• Now thinking of this upcoming challenge is there any support you'd like? It could be practical, emotional, technical. What would help you do your best? Who/what could you ask for help?

• Now think of why you are grateful that you have this upcoming event. If you didn't have it you'd want to be part of the meeting, the move the social event. Why do you care that it goes well? Appreciate that you have this in your life.

• Then set your filter to notice every time you demonstrate the skills you listed out, let yourself be reminded everyday that these skills come to you with ease and you are learning new ones that will come with more and more ease.

You are already capable and you are becoming more and more capable each day. You can figure out new ways all the time. You can enjoy this challenge and everything you learn through it. You can do things your way, be your most authentic self and succeed in ways that feel good to you.

Curious what would happen if you spent 3 months becoming more and more confident? Explore the Change Tack coaching programme